Funny Quotidian About Being a Wingman
Being a Wingman
Say wingman and everyone subconsciously thinks Goose from Top Gun… which is probably not all that far off as it goes, minus of course the oiled up volleyball scenes (or perhaps not if you have a very liberal buddy). Every man in his life will either request, or be called upon to play wingman with varying degrees of success. The concept is a simple enough one, your wingman is there to make you look good, to hide your flaws, hold your drinks and don't mention embarrassing incidents like the time you danced on the table with your shirt off singing Rule Britannia.
A wingman therefore needs to be picked with care. Consider what each friend brings to the equation. This is a demonstration to the lady of your choice that you're a man worth knowing, that you and your mates have an easy banter, natural charm and you're fun to be around. Such an illusion can be somewhat hampered if, for instance, said mate is liable to mention he's still working on his railway at the bottom of his garden at the age of 31. Someone with a dress sense doesn't go amiss either, clearly if he's looking like Brad Pitt there's a concern that the roles may rapidly be reversed but bringing someone who her mates might want to chat to is likely to be more successful than someone looking like they climbed out of the wheelie bin.
If you're selected as wingman the rules are simple. You're there to set your mate up with the girl of his choice, as such there may be a number of actions you may have to perform:
1) Be ready with the tactical retreat- Too many drinks, a witty retort too many, a slippage and dress related incident. Sometimes the kindest thing a wingman can do is hoist his mate over his shoulder and leg it for the exit. 'Free drinks are on me' is always helpful to aid escape from angry boyfriends/ husbands/ sexual orientation unknown.
2) Lying- Undoubtedly your mate will talk some total bullshit about an achievement, swallow your instincts to laugh in his face and nod sympathetically, perhaps give a hint of jealousy, if it's an athletic achievement and there's been a serious pie intake subsequently, drop in some kind of injury and vague mentionings that he'll be back in training very soon, difficult of course if he has his hand in a pack of pork scratchings.
3) The unattractive/ dull mate screening- Always tricky where the girl in question actually has a mate she wants to set up instead. It's time for your bodyguardesque slow dive, take one for the team, dive in and divert. This may be an ideal opportunity to go to the bar, resist the temptation to ask for the cheapest drink on the menu. If she's missing teeth it's acceptable to nick his credit card.
4) The cock block – assuming that your mate hasn't overdone the drink intake there may well be other blokes also trying to make a move. Smile at them like you want to be their best mate, nod approvingly of their every remark. If things get desperate, talk about football, above all restrict access into the rest of the group. If they get round you loud remarks like 'Oh it's that girl you said you were with last night' are effective but liable to result in a swift exit.
5) Hone your foreign accent – certain countries (USA for instance) respond particularly well to a foreign brogue. There's nothing like an Irish lilt to earn you and your mate some free drinks and the respect of the ladyfolk. Carrying out this activity in an Irish bar with American cheerleaders and their NFL players glowering nearby is not recommended from the author's own personal experience.
6) Don't suggest the dancefloor – seriously unless he's John Travolta that's just cruel.
7) Be prepared to take the sofa – Three of you in the bed is just the wrong kind of threesome. A man hug will never be the same again.
8) Get out the red bull- falling asleep mid-wingman duties is just not cool*, no one likes seeing their mate drooling slightly and snoring on a sofa , plus he'll probably shave your eyebrows or take blackmail pics. *This applies doubly if you're designated driver
9) Continue lying- Should your wingman duties be successful and the happy couple become acquainted careful timing is required should the fruits of your labour have been somewhat hampered by a dark lighting/ drink related error of judgement. He'll already know he's done badly, wait for maximum impact before rubbing it in, perhaps next time at the pub with your mates, it's an excellent time to show the evenings photos.
10) Know when to eject- It's what scuppered Goose. If you're surrounded by hostiles, there's no prospect of a successful mission and you're low on gas, sometimes it's better to have one of you make it back to base and leave a man down. There's always another day, plus it'll give you time to stop by the kebab shop so it won't be a wasted evening…
So there you go, ten rules for wingmen, with these success is guaranteed*
*Success is in no way guaranteed and DBE blog productions accepts no liability for subsequent total failure.
Source: https://thebookofdave.tumblr.com/post/63389314460/being-a-wingman
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